Impossible

When you hear of someone being impossible, that someone is me. I am absolutely impossible to control, impossible to maintain, impossible to please or make happy for any period of time. I always think I know exactly what I want until I get it and then I somehow lose it. Like a child I am selfish, difficult, and demanding. I am adventurous but then become terrified of the adventure when it is actually happening. I like feeling settled, then the moment I do, I start to hyperventilate and feel trapped. It is almost impossible to maintain any kind of relationship with me, because either my demands, my perfectionism, or my pride will destroy it. I have no idea how to stop this change it, or what to do next. No one knows how to advise me on this because after all, I am impossible. I make rash desicisons constantly, convinced I am doing the right thing, convinced I see the path clearly, then instantly regret them, but find the choice irreversible. I am so frustrated with myself right now, I can barely think straight. I am impossible. Impossible to love.

(This is all ficitonal of course...any relation to those living or dead pure coincidence).

more likeable stuff...

other things to like in goderich:

1. racoons that wander around looking friendly (okay, i later learned that it is most likely rabid...like people...the super outgoing ones are really hoping to take a chunk of flesh...lol)

2. sitting here on my deck this morning, i have just seen a white dove, a blue jay, and a cardinal in the trees in my yard.

3. at night i can hear the tide on lake huron and the gulls.

4. they still sell milk in bags.

5. it doesn't get cold at night, or even at dawn.

6. you can run to rexall for milk at 8am in your black disco nightshirt and still feel fashionable.

7. the fresh-caught and perfectly baked lake whitefish i had for dinner last night in a restaurant that looks like a 1960's museum...because they haven't changed a thing since then, including gus, the owner. i think it was called the candlelight. maybe just the candle. anyway, catch of the day, every day. yummy!!!

i think that's all i've had time for since yesterday...

beach thoughts

i

so here i sit attempting to write from my phone. i can't use capitals. hmm. anyway, it is a hot morning already on lake huron. no one else wanted to come down here yet, so i am alone in the only place i ever just allow myself to chill - the beach. i've never had a reason to come to the great lakes before. always have been an ocean girl. i am very pleasantly surprised to find it so expansive, hot, lush, beautiful, and uncrowded. always thought i had to go tropical to get this, but here it is: sand, tides, water that looks like it goes on forever, and sun. i am amazed that we are so fortunate as canadians to be able to go on vacation within our country and feel like it is a foreign experience. completely different food, shops, accents, and ways of doing things. my sister has been trying to tell me how great it is and how i would love it as much as the carribbean. i didn't believe her, but once again, i should've trusted that she knows me well. she was right. i love the cute little towns, the huge, swimmable water and unoccupied stretches of sand, the local produce, the adorable but enormous brick victorian estate homes that are everywhere, the fact that i can speak the language, the bakeries and chocolate shops and tiny (no doubt magical) book stores, the enormous trees, the lack of mosquitos, the balmy nights, the cat that seems to be the guardian of our rental home at night, the fact that my rental car does not terrify me, the fact that everything is so different from home, the high school band that played in the park concert shell across the street last night, the lilies that grow wild everywhere and perfume the air, the humidity, the pub across the street that is situated in a flower garden and serves delicious pan seered freshly caught lake fish, how much cheaper everything is from real estate to crackers, the giant coconut macaroons from the german bakery, the lack of condo developments, the man next door that sells bikes, the boardwalk that goes on forever, the soy, wheat, and corn fields, and the cute city workers on the beach. mind you, i have only been here 36 hours, so will have to write updates as they occur.

I do NOT love mosquitoes

I was going to call this "I hate mosquitoes", but hate is such a strong word. I loathe, detest, and despise them. Honestly, as Calgarians we wait ALL YEAR for decent weather, and as soon as it arrives, so does the vampire army. And they don't try to glamour or seduce you, or take you on exotic vacations. Those bitches just come right up to you and draw your blood. This is particularly offensive in my case because they leave behind huge welt-like owies that are hideous and interfere with my smooth skin thing. What is the PURPOSE of these terrible creatures? They can not be that essential to the food chain. The trouble is, the harder people try to get rid of them, it seems the stronger they come back. Repellants have to be increasingly strong...pretty soon they will be able to get right through armour. On the hiking trip from hell that I have often referred to, I had several desperate blood-suckers bite me through a HAT and a canvas coat. So, during our three short weeks of Calgarian summer, we are forced to either sit inside, looking at the sunshine, or do what I did today, completely coat myself in Off to brave the bike ride from Point McKay to Prince's Island and hope that between the Off and my super speed I could outrun them.

A big hole

I really don't know how people do it. School ends and kids and teachers seem so relieved and thrilled. Once again, I have the July 1st blues, and worse than ever this year. Between losing people close to me who are never coming back, and everyone I know flying willy nilly to visit friends and relatives, I feel totally abandoned and alone and it SUCKS! I spend 10 or more hours a day at work, and I have a family there. It's not like every day is perfect, or nothing bad happens, but we invest a lot of time and caring in each other. When my days suddenly become unstructured and I am left to re-establish my relationship with...well...my book shelf, I don't see what is so damned exciting, personally. I guess this is what happens when you are a workaholic and most of your relationships are workplace-based. Or there are people like my sister, who still has to go to work, and therefore can't fill the gap for me anyway. My hobby is really, really people. Taking care of them, spending time on them, pleasing them, finding ways to show my love for them. SO when they're gone, I have NO IDEA what to do. I usually go spend money on something or run away to a different city where I don't have to feel their absence. I this all very odd? I don't know anyone else who really goes through this like I do.