LATINGA

I think this was a highlight of the trip. If you are not familiar with it, the ferry ride between Playa del Carmen on the mainland of the Mayan Riviera and San Miguel on Cozumel Island is trying, at best. Some time between the last time I was there and now they have bought fancy new boats, which they now charge quite a hefty sum for the pleasure of sailing on. Before that, the ferries were open-air, single-hull monsters with some metal benches and several metal buckets at the end of each row for people to puke into as they made the 40-minute journey across, pitching and tossing on this glorified cargo boat. The new boats are all fancy inside, with comfy seats, air conditioning which gets turned on SOMETIMES (but not for the 10am sailing we were on), one bathroom, and a person who goes around passing out little black bags for people to puke into, because the fancy new boat pitches just as much as the rickety old boats did. Why, you ask would any fool undertake this journey?

Because it is worth a cab ride, fighting through ferry lineups, emptying your stomache on the ferry, and the Scamapalooza of San Miguel to spend a few short hours on Cozumel. In case you've never heard me wax on about it endlessly, if you can rent motorized transportation and get yourself to the Caribbean side of Cozumel, total paradise awaits you, with the best vistas, empty beaches, adorable places to eat, fresh coconut that gets macheted from a tree for you so that you can drink fresh coconut water - I could go on for hours.

After an exhausting day of pleasure (out on the island) and pain (in the Cruise ship tourist trap city of San Miguel), you have to get back on the ferry and return to Playa del Carmen. On our return trip, we were greeted by a small band that was setting up. The musicians turned out to be a group called "Latinga". Apparently, the ferry people call them periodically and invite them to come on board and try to play drums, guitar, and keyboard while pitching around on the Atlantic Ocean. They do this surprisingly well. They had a great sound, and played Latin favourites that even us gringos can sing along to, like Guantanamera and Bamba, and Oye Como Va. Needless to say, when they asked for tips (because they play for free) I bought their CD. They made the ferry ride so fun, with their great tunes and boisterous good humour. They don't have a web site, but they have an email latin_ga@hotmail.com and cell number listed on the CD. In case you are ever in the Riviera and want to hear a smokin' group of Latin music types.

SCAMAPALOOZA

There are so many ways to get scammed in this country, it is just absurd, so I will just tell you about a couple that have occurred this week alone.

First, I paid extra for plane ticket seats with extra leg room. We did not get them. No one at Sunwing is sure what to do. I bet they know exactly what to do with my $200. Never get sucked in by the airline upgrade scam unless you are upgrading to FIRST CLASS.

Next was the guy in Playa del Carmen who is set up right where the cab drops you off for the ferry to Cozumel. He has deals for you for your ferry ticket if you also rent a car, and they become almost free if you agree to go to the Occidental for a little tour and some lunch. Time share! Time share! RUUUUUUUUN.

Renting a car on Cozumel has its own pitfalls, and they are MANY. People will try to rent you mopeds and you look around at the Mexican people riding them while carrying groceries, laundry, two babies, and their elderly mother-in-law in the basket, and you think, "I can do this." Take it from me, this may end with your head in a ditch somewhere. I personally was almost made into a Karie Cookie on my first trip by being smashed between two cars. I have seen numerous people bail horrifically. Go for the car. The second time I rented a roofless Jeep from a reputable dealer, like Hertz. That was the advice on the Internet. It was great, so much fun, car worked great, terrific.

This time I reverted back to stupid, apparently. First of all, do not make a pre-arragement while still on the mainland. You have no idea what the cars actually LOOK LIKE. This was my first mistake. So I get off the ferry ride that tries its best to kill you and go to Charlie's Rental. I can not describe fully the nightmare that awaited. An old VW bug, painted bright green to attempt to hide the rust, torn and faded seat covers, won't SHIFT into some of the gears, and won't break without several blocks warning. We drove around San Miguel in it for ten minutes before getting it back to the dealership as fast as possible, where I leapt out of it and started doing the Scary Karie routine, demanding to know if Charlie was trying to get me killed. Anyay, they gave us an ancient top-down Chevy instead that did just fine, but you gotta watch your butt.

On our way to take the car back we had another fun scam attempt. At the gas station, a guy pumped our gas for no time at all, because we had hardly used any - it is not exactly a huge place. He then proceed to tell me I owed him $30 for gas. Again, my other personality took over, since the guy had obviously added our gas onto the guy before us and was trying to make us pay extra. I refused, asked for managers, and finally when I suggested that we call the Policia, the guy said to just give him 10 bucks cash. Off we went to return the car and have an end to that hullaballoo.

We swore on Tuesday not to leave the resort again. Can't afford to!

Violated by a teeny tiny penis

I changed my mind about the blogging due to the super-fascinating experiences I have been having today. I just had the smallest dick ever in my lap. An animation team member - and I have never understood why they are called this, rather than "entertainment team", but whatever - was wandering around trying to get people to have their picture taken with little monkeys. Now I love monkeys, but as this is hardly my first time, I have several Karie and Trained Monkey photos in the archives, and don't need more. Anyway, Jose decides that I look like the kind of girl who likes to hold monkeys. No giggling yet. Anyway, he marches over and places George the Squirrel Monkey directly on my head, which is thankfully being protected by my cowgirl hat. George the Monkey promptly climbs down onto my bare shoulder, and then immediately into my bikini-clad lap. "Oh!" exclaims Jose, "Look, he is a man!" I look down to see that George the Monkey has now flipped onto his back between my thighs and is sporting a mini monkey full hard on which is approximately 2cm long. I immediately proclaim some shocked response and try somehow to back away from an animal that is still positioned in my lap. Jose gets the message at this point I guess because he chooses this moment to try to relieve me of the horny primate. At this point my new boyfriend George the Monkey tries to attack Jose in order to continue his relationship with me and hisses and claws at Jose while trying to burrow further between my legs. Fortunately for all of us, at this point Jose manages to capture George by his little monkey collar before any more erotic escapades can occur and both man and beast make a hasty exit from my part of the beach to try to sell their photos to tourists who have NOT just witnessed a monkey erection in the lap of a slightly disgusted Canadian girl. Good luck, Jose. And George, we will always have Mexico. I shall keep your discarded sunflower seed shell as a memento of our brief, but meaningful time together.



Yikes.

Updates

Okay, I would love to be making daily updates on this blog, but it is all but impossible. It costs $10 per 30 minutes to use Internet in Mexico, or a 3 hour wait in the Sunwing Vacations lineup. Instead, I am going to the gift shop to buy myself a little journal and will keep notes and post photos with my notes when I get home.
I love it here. In my THIRD alternate life, I live here and run a juice place. OUR HOTEL HAS FRESH BEET AND CELERY JUICE!! Juicing has finally come to Mexico! Now they just need to recycle, and all will be perfect.

all-inclusive stories

I have been thinking for a few years about writing a book about surviving all-inclusives. This is my tenth tropical trip in the past five years, and seventh time in the Mayan Riviera, so I starting to feel like I know the ropes a bit. For example, packing. The first time I packed for one of these trips I was an idiot, and I have learned a thing or two. Okay, so before my internet time runs out, here are the essentials: 1. Facecloths. For some reason, you have to be willing to sell a kidney to get clean facecloths every day. This seems to hold true for most properties. I do not know why this is, but now I pack ten. 2. First aid kit. Someone WILL get a weird injury, and you do not want to have to wait in line for bandaids. Whether it is cutting your toes on coral, or doing what I did today, which was slice my hand open on a rusty screw while I was working out on the treadmill, it is a good idea to carry polysporin, bandages, advil, immodium, etc. 3.Books and DVD's and a DVD player. The sun goes down at 5 in the winter. There is only so much you can eat and drink. Then you have to go to your room and see if there is anything interesting on THE English channel. Trust me, take DVD's instead of shoes. 4. Liquid hand soap for the room. I don't know about you, but I hate washing my hands with that nasty bar soap that hotels give you as "an amenity". This time I brought a brand new bottle of Bath & Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom hand soap, and life is good.

Okay, I am down to 5 minutes, and still need to post. Will update again, as want to remember my thoughts as they come. TTFN. Wish you were here.

Help! Leave comments please. What would you do?

As I sat in Starbucks today, waiting to wish Amber's fiance "Happy Birthday", I suddenly realized that the people one table over were feircely involved in gossiping about someone. My ears tingled when I heard names and situations that I recognized all too well. The subject of the gossip and conjecture happens to be a very close friend of mine, and the woman doing the gossiping is supposedly a good and long-time friend of theirs. I turned around and confronted the big mouth, who immediately denied that she was talking about the same person, and then went silent for several minutes when I turned away. The problem is, the gossiper is now also a huge LIAR, because there is no way that she was talking about anyone else, other than my friend. The gossiper named names and places. And I recognize her from parties and art openings, though she did not recognize me (must have been the furry hat).

So what I need help with is, what do I do now? I was furious and shaking at the time, and all I could do was indignantly stare this woman down as she left Starbucks. Now I want to know, do I tell my friend about this incident? Would you want to know, or would it be too hurtful and I should keep my mouth shut? Help. If I tell, do I wait until after the holidays? What would you want? I am too upset to make the decision myself, and my first instinct is to out this woman.

A Really F***king Good Friend

My friend whom we shall call *Mark* is a rocker and roller. I completely love him, and here is why:
- He is honest, but not too honest in dressing rooms. For example, he will NOT tell me that something makes me look fat, but he WILL ask me if I would like to try it in another size.
- He always notices when I have had my hair coloured, cut, style, or even washed, and comments on it.
- He understands why I am thrilled when people ask me if I am sick because I look so THIN... ("yes, I am one stomache flu away from my goal weight").
-He can recite several hilarious quotes from pop media on demand and in the perfect social situation so that everyone laughs their ass off.
- He always knows the next great song that is coming up and makes sure we all know it, so that by the time it is climbing the charts we are prepared.
- He makes people who are left out feel included.
- He always knows exactly what to buy you for Christmas or your birthday so that you feel like you have expensive and fashionable taste.
- He always has kind and generous things to say about the people that are driving you to drink.
- He makes everything - even shopping for broccoli - a fun game.
- He knows when to talk, and when not to.
- He doesn't let anyone wallow in despair.
- He has a completely infectious laugh that draws people to him.

Value for Your Dollar

Is it just me, or are we all a little tired of getting...well...shafted. I know this blog is supposed to focus on the positive, so I will try to highlight some things that I think are worth the money spent first.

Every one of my tropical vacations, for example has been worth every penny. Except for the first one, because of the Class 4 hurricane. Even then, there were chocolate swans, so it wasn't a total wash. That's me down there on the right enjoying the ocean in the Dominican. I never met a warm ocean I didn't like - even Puerto Vallarta had its charms, though the most value for your dollar can be found in two places in Mexico: The Royal in Playa del Carmen, where I stayed in the Presidential Suite that is bigger than my house and had a private pool, and this little shanty restuarant on the "wild side" of Cozumel, where they make delicious fish and bring you drinks in a pineapple that looks like a face - Playa Bonita. I have wished to die there both times.

However, some things that have disappointed me this week are as follows:

1. Had my car detailed at Clearwash. For $160.00 they cleaned it outside, waxed it, and shampooed the interior seats and carpets. They also dust the doors and console. This is a lot of money, but it is cold out, and I really didn't want to do all of this myself, like I normally would in the summer. But for $160.00 do you think that they emptied the ash tray? No. And it didn't occur to me to do it because I don't smoke, but SOMEONE does, and apparently there are old smokes in there, that they just left in there. Hmm. If this service cost more like $80, it would be worth it, but I feel a bit ripped off.

2. Very rarely I go get a mani-pedi at a Vietnamese nail place. Why? Because they do the best job and charge a quarter of salon prices. I used to maintain that it was worth it to get everything done by a pro sometimes, and the polish job usually last WAY longer than it would if I had done it. I went this week to VJ Nails in Avenida - a place I have been many times in the past. That was Wednesday. By Friday afternoon both fingers and toes were chipping, and now they look hideous. Seriously? I have had pedicures that last through chlorine, salt water, sand, SPF spray, tanning spray, and still looked great at the END of a vacation. I'm so annoyed. $55 and the polish lasted two days. AND I got welts on my leg from the salt scrub she used on me a little too vigorously. Cool.

3. I am tired of grocery stores being able to leave expired food on their shelves. It is disgusting and should be against the law. I am usually very careful to check dates of dairy or soy items, but this week I went to buy cookies for my play. I was buying large quanitites, so checked the date on one or two and then filled up my cart. When I got back to school, I found an entire container of 24 cookies that was SEVERAL days past its expiration, so obviously couldn't be handed out at intermission.

I guess we are just living in an era when you have to check, request, demand, or throw a temper tantrum if necessary to get what you are promised in a service or for a product. Check clothes to make sure that they are not coming apart at the seems and about to lose buttons. Check that the food hasn't gone bad that you are about to buy. Have your sister paint your toes. Shampoo your own carpets. Make your own lattes so that the espresso is not expired and the milk scorched, or the syrup left out, etc.

So Happy I Could Die

I think my last post was about my students, too. I can't help it though, I am full of love for my babies! Tonight was closing night of The Canterbury Tales. The whole process has been so much f - u - n. I decided this year to STOP taking everything so seriously. This does not lessen my need to control details or my perfectionism, but somehow it has chilled me out all the same. When I started this blog, I said that it was because I was tired of being tied up in knots all the time, and that I was going to look for the Beautiful, Interesting, and Good in things. Well, with the hardest (and most rewarding) part of the school year behind me, I can honestly say that my new determination for joie de vivre has really taken root. What the kids said tonight was everything that I could wish for. They had fun. They learned. And I will be honest, I LOVE that they say they love me because I love them RIGHT BACK. I have always envied the Christmas bonus of people in the Oil Industry, but what better Christmas bonus could I get than 2 bouquets of winter flowers, Callebaut chocolates (OMG I ate four already), Truffles, and the crowning glory - a hand-drawn card full of love notes from my sweetie pies. It's like the Lady Gaga song. I am so happy I could die. I would like to leave with you with the thoughts I shared with the audience tonight, as my arms were filled with hugs and flowers and tears: The media is always reporting stories of teenagers making bad choices. But for every one of those stories, there are hundreds of stories of kids trying to be good people and make the world a better place. I am so privileged that I get to see evidence of this every day at my job. Thank you for supporting these truly great kids in their efforts.

What a totally awesome day all around.

Side note: My neighbours have the most gorgeous Christmas tree. The lights are the colour of the sea on the "calm bathtub" side of Cozumel.